Being vulnerable is really messed up.
One of its worst effects is the fact that you accept everything that comes your way even when you know you shouldn’t. You accept the lies and the endless excuses as they keep raining down and washing your senses off you. When those excuses aren’t made, you make them yourself so you can tell yourself. Such is the story for a sided lover. A while ago, that was me!
I was in a really dark place.
I had broken a relationship with a guy that meant the world to me and I wasn’t handling it well. I couldn’t understand why I had to give up certain standards I had set for myself just because I wanted to be in love so I left the guy. If he loved me, I thought, he would meet me half way!
That resolution made me feel so good. I felt like a woman who knew what she wanted on the outside at least that was what it looked like. But deep down I knew who I was; I was just another girl who didn’t want to be alone. The thought of not having someone I could refer to as my boyfriend scared the hell of me and that fear didn’t take long to surface.
Every day I woke up, looked myself in the mirror and told myself I was doing the right thing and someone better would soon come. I loved him but I have to love myself more. I was not about to risk losing myself for a relationship which had no destination. I was determined to wait for the real thing!
But there he was, right in front of me!
I’m sure my brain watched my heart with its mouth agape as it ran out of my chest and raced into the hands of this new guy. I could swear Taylor Swift was referring to me when she sang that he looked like my next mistake but it was too late.
I knew so well from the very first day that it was all a lie but I still dived in, head first!
The first time he told me he loved me I practically pulled the words out of his mouth but that was okay all that mattered was I wasn’t going to be alone anymore.
Then the calls were all made by me and the messages too. Even when he was online I had to send the first message and wait for hours before I got my replies but that too was fine; at least I had someone I called “baby”
I cared and loved and provided all I needed for myself by myself and I also convinced myself that I still wasn’t alone.
Until one faithful day when I found out that I was never alone, because he had someone else. Then it all made sense. He wasn’t calling me because he was calling her and that day I walked into him saying “I love you” that wasn’t his mom on the other side of the line as I hoped.
That day, everything became crystal clear. I realized that I could keep lying to myself or I could own up to the truth and that truth was that I was really very much alone!
The hurt in my heart at that moment was far greater than the fear I had of being lonely. As I walked out on him that evening I knew I was never going to lie to myself again.
I was either going to be in love or out of love and that was better than being in pity.
As I laid down on my bed that night I was sure without a doubt that I had made the right decision and this time I wasn’t scared. That fear was gone. I was no longer vulnerable so I wouldn’t settle for anything less.