I am not the girl I used to be.
I never meant to learn a lesson, all I wanted was to love a person but the funny part is the fact that life teaches its lessons without our consent and so somehow, someway I learnt it anyway.
I am not that girl that throws herself at you anymore, I want to be but you see while crawling in the dark, on those broken glasses around the staircase where you left me I stumbled and I fell on something better.
I was wounded; the tiny pieces of crystal tore through my skin and stuck to my bones. I still feel them flowing into my bloodstream and they serve as a constant reminder that I am a survivor.
Whatever happens now, I am sure I will come out alive!
I am no longer naïve or ignorant. When you walked out of that door, I kept my innocence aside and I walked out in the cold of the night. I walked out naked for there was nothing to hide.
All I thought I had was lost when you shut the door in my face so I set out to find something new and extraordinary. Indeed those who seek always find and I wasn’t an exception.
I had to make a choice to expose myself to the worst danger in order to understand the deepest secrets of life.
The question is no longer why the world doesn’t seem to care or why do the people you love leave when you need them the most. The question changed to who I am and what I should do. Thankfully the answers were not far-fetched.
I stayed in a gloom so I could recognize the brightness from afar. I endured the blistering winds so I could differentiate warmth from the fire. I buried my grieve deep down into the earth crust and I am not about to have you dig it up for nothing.
I have been insecure and confused.
Those were my first cells where I scribbled the words from the tablets of my heart to the brick walls with my blood as my ink. I wasn’t joking when I said no more!
For even though love is pain, I still get to choose who hurts me. I get to decide if I want to get burnt up in flames or walk through hell to prove to myself that I too was made of fire. You see strength; strength is nothing but a choice.
I have known fear and doubt and the streets of uncertainty are not strange to me. See I have trodden and traded on them. Every corner remembers my face. I was that girl who was beaten down and dragged in the mud.
Here’s what you should know
It is either now or never.
There’s no more time to waste second-guessing. For I have exhausted my guessing list and it is no more a hobby going through the ones and twos. I skipped kindergarten and I’m not willing to return just to learn how to count on you.
Enough of the ifs, I’ll rather hang on to the facts. It is simple to realize you will never figure out what you want soon enough.
Life is for those who live in the present, not forgetting the past but looking ahead. If love ever had a price I have paid in full and as such I owe you nothing.
If love is really a game I can say I played fairly.
I see clearer than I have ever. What I want is exactly what I will take.
I will love hard, with or without you!